Vince McMahon Signs Waluigi Into The WWE

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah”

Connecticut- CEO Vince McMahon announced at a press conference Tuesday morning that he signed Nintendo icon Waluigi into the WWE. “We have grown a strong relationship ever since we started going to the same gym a couple years back” The 75-year-old man explained, all the while flexing slightly to show off his biceps under his suit. “I knew he had the stuff when I first laid eyes on him. His purple outfit, his pension for rivalries, the fact that he’s over seven and a half feet tall; He will fit right in! Isn’t that right Wa-man?”. Waluigi, towering over everyone like a mighty giant, stepped dramatically out of a shadowy corner of the stage and replied: “Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!”. The audience applauded.

Waluigi has made a name for himself the last two decades by being the self-proclaimed rival of Luigi, the brother of Nintendo mascot and superstar Mario. Along with his partner in crime Wario, the two have made countless efforts to inconvenience the brothers. From attempted murder to friendly games of tennis. We asked his associate why Waluigi would want to depart from Nintendo and join the WWE. “Wa-Waaaah!” cried Wario devilishly in response, twisting his moustache and eating raw garlic cloves whole.

“You can expect him to take part in this year’s SummerSlam kickoff,” McMahon continued to the reporters. “But first, how about a little taste of what’s to come? Bring out the Chosen One!”. Waluigi, without the need to walk anywhere, used his impossibly long arms to grab WWE superstar Drew Mcintyre from offstage. “No! Please don’t hurt me!” Screamed Mcintyre. With the sound and speed of a whip, the purple monster threw the wrestler onto the ground. The force of the impact was greeted with the sound of Mcintyre’s left arm snapping. Waluigi's theme song from Mario Strikers Charged Football started to blare from the speakers. “Tell the audience what your catchphrase will be,” encouraged McMahon, smiling excitedly. “Waaa-luigi time!” answered Waluigi, simultaneously using one hand to pin down Mcintyre while the other grabbed a chair from the audience to use as a bludgeoning weapon. “Waluigi win!”.

The audience started to scream and run in panic as Waluigi continued to brutalize his opponent. “We are entering a new age of wrestling my friends!!” laughed McMahon, now standing in a growing pool of Mcintyre’s blood. “The age of Waluigi! And the age of Wario!”. On cue, Wario charged onto the stage like a short yellow rhino. “It’s-a me, Wario!” he yelled as he elbow drops an already unconscious Mcintyre.