U.S Citizens Rejoice! Government Unanimously Agrees The Country’s #1 Issue Is TikTok

New York Senator, and Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer announced today that the House, the Senate, and President Trump all agree that TikTok's link to China is probably the most pressing issue in the U.S right now. TikTok, a social media app that has skyrocketed in popularity in the past few years, has been scrutinized for being developed and owned by ByteDance, a colossal Chinese tech company.

“You can rest easy america!” Mr. Schumer stated happily to a large, recently evicted crowd, “We will no longer tolerate China’s ploy to make us watch people lip-singing to Taylor Swift songs”. He proceeded to address his concerns on how Chinese government could potentially use the app to gather American’s information. “It is ludicrous that we would allow any government that isn’t us to spy on our people!”.

The Senator goes on to reassure the crowd, “I know you all are hurting, and we haven’t always been the most efficient body in the past. But I swear to you: we are putting all of our ideological and personal differences aside on this one. We will force ByteDance to sell TikTok to Microsoft, we will tell Microsoft to sell more of your data to us, then we will all go on a well-deserved vacation”.