Ash Ketchum Arrested Under Serial Kidnapping Charges

"I gotta catch them all"

Celadon City - After a long series of disappearances around the county, Pokemon trainer Ash Ketchum has been arrested this morning with the charge of abducting eight people. A disturbed ten year old from Pallet town, Ketchum has been reported to have spent the last few months stalking his various victims in surrounding forests and capturing them with modified pokeballs.

“It was the worst three weeks of my life” Recounts Linda Heffman, one of the last people to be kidnapped by the crazed adolescent. “The inside of those balls are dark and cold. He would only let us out when he wanted us to fight Pokemon. I was once forced to fight with a particularly big Hitmonchan. You know, the Pokemon with the big fucking boxing gloves as hands? Anyway, Ash kept screaming at me to “use headbutt” as I was being beaten to a bloody pulp”.

Brock Harrison, Pewter City Gym Leader and past associate of Ash, was also held captive. “ It was about six months ago” the probable sex offender remembered. “Me and our friend Misty were traveling around the country with Ash, helping him become a Pokemon master. It all started right after we ran into a toddler who could only speak by saying his own name over and over again. Ash couldn't stop thinking about him. A few days before his breakdown he would talk in his sleep, mumbling things like “they’re all Pokemon” and “I gotta catch them all”. One morning I suddenly woke up in the woods we were camping in to maniacal laughter. It was Ash, smiling like a fiend as he aggressively tried to stuff Misty’s head into an open pokeball. I ran, but he ordered his traitorous Pikachu to zap me unconscious before I could escape. When I came to Misty and I were tied to a tree together, which normally would have been awesome under better circumstances. Ash said he was going to see the Professor to see about getting some “pokeball upgrades”. He came back a day and a half later and trapped us inside individual pokeballs. “I’m glad he was caught, the nightmare is over”.

Live updates to follow as his sentence is announced.