Actor Steve Buscemi Named PEOPLE’s Sexiest Man Alive

"Buscemi is the pinnacle of what is to be expected of the human form"

Acclaimed character actor, director, and apparent heartthrob Steve Buscemi has been named 2020’s sexist man alive by PEOPLE magazine, elevating his objective attractiveness to previous title holders such as John Legend, Brad Pitt, and George Clooney. “Buscemi, 62, is the pinnacle of what is to be expected of the human form” writes Nancy Blake, author of the magazine article. “His contribution to cinema is legendary: From Fargo to Reservoir Dogs to Big Daddy. He has proven to be versatile as a performer, but one thing that has never changed is his irresistible good looks. His big, blue, bulbous eyes reduce even the most guarded individual into seduction. His prominent, asymmetrical teeth are screaming to be frenched kissed. His lean, skeletal-like body has had millions fawning over him. To be honest, we have been doing humanity a gross disservice by not drawing attention to this immaculate specimen before. Oh, how I wish to be ravaged by the voice of the werewolf from the Hotel Transylvania films". The article goes on for several more paragraphs.

Mr. Buscemi was asked earlier Monday what he thought of being the oldest man ever to be honored with the title of Sexist Man. "Honestly, it kinda freaks me out" responded the Spy Kids 2 actor. "I wouldn't ever believe I would be picked for this. And the article itself seems more like a bizarre, erotic fanfic than a professional article. And come to think of it, weird things have been happening recently. I always feel like I'm being watched. And just last week my suit from Reservoir Dogs has been stolen, as well as my VHS copy of Monsters Inc.".

PEOPLE Magazine and article author Nancy Blake declined to comment.